Hilary Swank is not an attractive woman.

No sense getting into all the details, but let’s break it down. When someone says “Hilary Swank is an attractive woman,” they have asserted two things, both of which have to be true.

1. Hilary Swank is attractive.

Well maybe. I guess it really would depend on your perspective. As far as men go, I guess she could be considered attractive. That squarish jaw is a smidgeon soft, but she has the torso of a young boy. Maybe middle school girls would be attracted.

And I would have to admit that horses would find her attractive. Those buckteeth she has protruding from her gums are probably excellent at chomping carrots.

2. Hilary Swank is a woman.

I’m sure she would like you to believe she’s a woman, but should we really just trust her? As stated above, her boyish torso raises questions about her gender and I’m not at all closing the possibility that she’s actually a horse.

Swank received an Best Actress Oscar for “Boys Don’t Cry,” where she portrayed a female pretending to be a male. But maybe she didn’t have trouble portraying a boy because she is one! And in fact, if she’s been living her life as a woman, she’s also familiar with being transgender. Maybe instead of being awarded the “Best Actress” she should have been awarded “Best Portrayal of Self.”

Hilary Swank is not an attractive woman!

Even if we assume that one of these things are true, they are mutually exclusive. Either she’s attractive, she’s a woman, or she’s neither. Sorry to all of you that have been mislead.

And just in case Hilary Swank ever reads this, I will conclude with something she may understand…

HEE-HAW!